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“Phil Robertson’s drunkaphobic, idolaphobic and adulteraphobic attitudes have no place on the public airwaves,” according to an unnamed spokesman for a coalition of oppressed groups. “Robertson’s distortions of the Bible would have people believe that God condemns lifestyles that our members find satisfying.”
The source said most Americans have come to understand and accept that drunkenness, idolatry and marital infidelity are not mere behavioral choices, but fundamental aspects of personality that make each human unique and special.
“Why would a loving God want to deprive his people of the pleasure of just being who they are,” he said. “A&E should cancel ‘Duck Dynasty’ until Phil Robertson recants, and rejects his chosen lifestyle as a religious bigot.”
The White House said newly-pardoned “imminent offenders” will be allowed to purchase sub-standard plans, or to continue without health insurance through 2014, and to perform 40 hours of community service to atone for their “crimes of omission.”
Although the federal government will officially view the pardon recipients as full citizens, “with all rights customarily conferred upon them by the executive branch,” nevertheless, the stigma might be tough to shake.
“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “These people were about to violate a federal law, so their neighbors might be justifiably wary of them.”
The president emphasizes that there’s little likely threat to public safety, but encourages all law-abiding citizens to “take the ordinary precautions of locking doors, and of keeping an eye on your children until all your neighbors have fully obeyed the Affordable Care Act.”
“There are no bigger fans of Duck Dynasty than Michele and me,” Obama said. “And while I have my disagreements with Mr. Robertson’s views on homosexuality, as expressed in GQ magazine, I’ll defend with my last breath Robertson’s right to express those views.”
The White House acknowledged that the private company has the right to fire Robertson for expressing his opinion, based on the Bible, that homosexuality is one kind of sin among many.
“But the president felt compelled to speak out,” said press secretary Jay Carney, “because his silence might be perceived as assent among his many entertainment industry supporters who hold freedom of expression in the highest esteem.”
Indeed, the Screen Actors Guild, Writers Guild of America and dozens of A-list movie and TV stars issued news releases or held press conferences echoing the president’s call to let Robertson return to the highest-rated show in the history of cable television.
“A chill wind is blowing in this nation,” said actor-director Tim Robbins. “It’s great to see President Obama speaking out against ideological intimidation that masquerades as tolerance and diversity.”
(2013-12-17) — Organizing for Action (OFA) today announced that it will boost the rolls of the insured under ObamaCare by making the president’s signature health insurance law an “opt-out” feature for millions of young Americans already in its Obama campaign donor database.
“The best thing is, these new health insurance customers don’t have to do anything to join,” according to a confidential internal OFA memo. “If a donor gave $3 to the campaign at any time since 2008, he opted-in to ObamaCare. Of course, anyone can opt out at any time, with 12-24 months notice.”
The group had spent millions of dollars promoting ObamaCare to the younger generation with little success, when organizers suddenly realized the solution was right under their noses.
“It was like we were wearing the ruby slippers and didn’t realize their power,” said one unnamed OFA official.
“We have this massive donor list of young people who already agree with President Obama and who want him to succeed, and we already have their credit card numbers and PayPal debit agreements,” she said. “So, we’re just going to cross-reference that with the NSA and IRS lists, sign them up for ObamaCare, and hope enough of them don’t opt out to keep the plan afloat–at least through November.”
“Millions of young Americans watch the countdown in Times Square,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president thinks it’s a great way to visually connect and to let them know that enrolling at HealthCare.gov is hip, it’s happening, it’s now.”
Carney added that Obama hopes that “young people certainly don’t miss the symbolism as the glittering orb descends from its lofty perch and is subsumed in the melee of humanity below.”
Unconfirmed reports last month indicated that the president would name HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius as “the official ball dropper,” but that he changed his mind after HealthCare.gov “started virtually functioning for the vast minority of users.”
The sponsorship decision has already paid off, according to ABC-TV, which announced that New Year’s Eve show host Dick Clark, 84, decided to enroll in ObamaCare because “I can’t be declined due to preexisting conditions.”
The President reportedly sent Mr. Clark a handwritten thank-you note, like the ones he has mailed to each enrollee so far.
“Mission Accomplished,” said press secretary Jay Carney. “The president commanded the tech surge that dealt with dozens of bugs, and hit his target date. So now Americans won’t be hindered by glitches from getting exactly what he believes they’ve got coming to them.”
Positive public reaction was nearly immediate, with expressions of gratitude and congratulations flooding in from NPR, MSNBC, CNN and other Americans who had grown concerned about the impact of the website problems on the president’s popularity.
“This is B.S.,” said one Wisconsin man who “left a comfortable bed to come out to the mall in the cold weather” but failed to witness a single incident of retail violence.
“It’s nothing but a bunch of people looking for discounted merchandise and then standing in line forever,” he said. “I should have stayed home and watched ESPN.”
Another man stomped out of his local Wal-Mart in disgust after “three hours of waiting for someone to throw an elbow or knock a widow to the linoleum, or something. Bunch of pansies!”
A spokesman for the American Federation of Retailers said its members did all they could to create bottlenecks in doorways, to narrow the space between racks and shelving, and offer to come-on pricing for items barely in stock.
“We can’t be blamed if tens of millions of people didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else,” the retailing official said. “You can lead a shopper to bargains, but you can’t make her snap.”
Police say they don’t know who started the fight among the bleary-eyed early-morning shoppers, drawn en masse to the site by advertising come-ons that promised unbelievably cheap, or even free health coverage.
“Someone threw an elbow near the security questions,” said an unnamed police spokesman. “Everybody’s so tense in there already–what with the tremendous bargains and all. Next thing you know, panic sets in, grandma goes down and somebody’s stepping on her rib-cage.”
A White House spokesman called for calm during these exciting early days of ObamaCare when people can hardly believe their good fortune, and fear that demand will outstrip supply.
The spokesman added, “All Americans can take comfort in knowing that those Black Friday shoppers, regardless of preexisting internal injuries, contusions, or shattered limbs, can still get bargain-basement prices on health care…eventually.”
(2013-11-28) — To mark Thanksgiving Day, President Obama today sent an open letter to the American people, which is reproduced here in its entirety.
My Fellow Americans,
This is the day when families of all varieties gather around the table and give thanks for the great blessings they enjoy due to the beneficent mercy of an all-powerful, all-knowing and compassionate Higher Power. They express gratitude for the food before them, the clothing they wear, the health they enjoy, and the checks that keep coming to provide it all.
The actions of the Almighty may seem mysterious, but most Americans submit humbly to the purposes of the One who holds their future — the One who knows more about them than anyone at that table does. They bow their heads to exalt the One who hears what they say in private moments, who reads their most intimate thoughts, and who, ultimately, judges them.
So, as you gather with loved ones to give collective voice to your inexhaustible gratitude, let me express my thoughts in these simple words…
Barack H. Obama
According to researchers, drivers interacting with children in the car are 12 times more likely to take their attention from the road than are drivers using cell phones, creating a potentially-deadly hazard to other motorists and pedestrians.
“As a father,” President Obama told reporters, “I am, of course, aware of the dangers posed by children in cars. I’m pleased to award this grant to NARAL Pro-Choice America, an organization that knows more about child hazards than any other, and more importantly, that shares my commitment to wiping out these threats to safe driving.”
The president said he issued the grant by executive order, “due to the clear and present danger, and because we all know that Republicans in Congress would stall legislation on partisan ideological grounds, even though every 15 minutes a car accident stops a beating heart.”